OWNING MY SEXUALITY



I felt and got challenged today about my boundaries. It hurt to hear it. I was questioned about my boundaries and the conversation I had. Why did I say that? Was I bragging about my sexual prowess? Yes. Was it inappropriate? Yes. Was I interested in the man I said it to? Yes. Looking back was it the most ridiculous thing I could have said? Yes, yes and yes to all of the above! I made a mistake and now I’m paying for it. I had to question myself and wonder why I did it.


Initially I didn’t have an answer until now. As a child I have been molested. Contrary to what people think sexualizing a child doesn’t make them empowered sexually. It does quite the opposite. I have been broken and weakened through that experience. What followed having to fight off my own relatives? It became a vicious cycle.


My first relationship was about having sex because I thought it would keep him with me. He left. It did nothing. Then the most serious relationship after my divorce was about us breaking up, but him moving on and thinking I would be okay with him now being married and wanting to continue to have sex with me. I said no. Even though he has reached out to me at some difficult times I have not even allowed him to have my phone number.


I had to assess myself and I now have an answer. Being a girl, being a woman we are taught early on to be submissive and we allow whatever happens to happen to us. We have no choice in the decision. I am so much more than a sexual being, but I feel I needed/need to take back my power. Looking back I see what I said was not about my sexual prowess. It was about me feeling in control and knowing I have control of my own sexuality not any man; not anyone who took advantage of me or my sexuality. I’m talking as if it’s separate from me, a completely different entity. Maybe it is. I am admitting to anyone who reads this and to myself that I lack sexual maturity.


Admittedly, just as someone took advantage of me I have used my sexuality to control people and situations because I didn’t know any better. That’s the immaturity talking. I want better. I’m learning better. Sex without love leaves you cold. Love without sex can leave your soul empty. I want a mature love that only comes when you share the sex and love in a committed relationship. Something I haven’t experienced before. Sex is not love, but then again love is not sex. But the balance of the two working in harmony could be a beautiful thing.



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