NOT MY PROBLEM
“I don’t have any one in my family dealing with that.”
“That’s not my sister.”
“She’s not my Mother.”
“It doesn’t affect me.”
“Well, I don’t know anyone like that.”
“That doesn’t happen to men!”
“That would NEVER happen to me.”
We live in a rather apathetic world. If it doesn’t affect you or someone you love you could care less! It’s always someone else’s problem. AIDS….someone else’s problem, cancer is someone else’s problem, domestic violence is someone else’s problem, poverty is someone else’s problem, lack of education is always someone else’s problem. “I got mine!” Haven’t you ever heard someone say that? I have.
“That’s her problem. I don’t like to get involved.”
First Scenario: Woman falls deep in love. She meets this man at church. She’s been raised that you don’t dare have sex before marriage. Not even a consideration. They date and it’s a big deal. She’s the perfect candidate as First Lady of the church. He’s an up and coming young preacher. I know I haven’t gotten to the “Happily Ever After” part because there wasn’t one.
He was a womanizer and an abuser. Just because he doesn’t look like an abuser doesn’t mean he isn’t one. Hell, how does an abuser look?! He was handsome. All the women in the church wanted him. Although he was clearly married and everyone knew his wife. He was definitely available. Her so called friends slept with him. And when she asked why they politely replied, “I didn’t think you’d mind.”
He always got caught. His lovers were too quick to brag. Everybody knew. He was after all the charismatic young preacher who was getting the notoriety and a little fame. Yeah, he was getting a big head. His ego would enter the room way before he did. But every time he got caught it was, “Baby I’m gonna change. You know I love you.” She would threaten to leave and it was, “You’re not leaving me! You’re my damn wife. If you leave I’ll kill myself. If you leave I’ll kill you!”
There would be knock down drag out fights. He would hit her and it would be so violent that she would have to leave. She had people who tried to intervene, but she was afraid to leave. She took his threats seriously. When she did finally leave he showed up at her job with a rifle. Not to shot himself, but to kill her. By the grace of GOD he was distracted and the rifle was taken away.
Years later he would be diagnosed as bi-polar and wouldn’t remember the incident until shock therapy.
“Did I try to kill you?”
“Yes you did.”
Hell no it didn’t happen that way. They were two extremely educated people. I think they were both in grad school at the time; attended a very prestigious university. They seemed to have it all. Even with the massive task of completing school they seemed to have it all.
I’ll never forget being at their home. It was a nice place, but it was nasty as hell. I think I remember them having a dog; which added to the madness, a very big untrained dog. They were in church every Sunday. They sang in the choir. They were even part of a world renowned gospel choir. They had all the appearances of a happy successful couple.
He was and is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You couldn’t ask for a better person or friend. One of those people you couldn’t help but like. She on the other hand was distant, arrogant, and I swear even as a kid I think she had issues with her sexuality. If I found out she was now gay it would all make sense.
What no one knew and he kept secret for all those years was her constant abuse. Looking back I know she didn’t like herself. Her demeanor and stature were not feminine. Every time she got frustrated or angry she was constantly hitting him. He became her whipping boy literally.
Was he taller than her? Yes. Was he physically bigger than her? Yes. He was a gentleman and was raised that a man NEVER puts his hands on a woman. There was emotional abuse that far outweighed the physical. Those scars may never heal. We didn’t talk about it. And we didn’t dare mention it to him or her.
Here’s the “Happily Ever After” for you. Years later they were divorced and he met the love of his life that would be the Mother of his only son. She loves him unconditionally and they have been through the ups and downs. And yeah he’s rich too. That success all came after he got out of that toxic and abusive relationship.
I know it’s not your problem, but domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes. I’ve been in an emotionally abusive situation, but never physical. I would say this wasn’t my problem either, but one of these scenarios was my Mother and Father, the other was a good friend. I’m not saying which is which. You figure it out. Maybe you might find that it is your problem after all.